Queries Again? (I must be a masochist)

Alright then, I've realized that in my absolute need to write about how incredibly expensive even writing a query has become, I left out a few important details.  Before I delve into said details, let me point out one small, rather pertinent fact:

I have never been accepted for publication by any major agents and/or publishing houses.  

As much as it may pain me to admit, that fact is true.  I have had a few queries garner a second look, but then nothing.  NOTHING.  Sad emptiness that makes me want to curl up in a small ball and feel absolutely worthless.  I am here today to try and make certain that anyone who stumbles upon this blog realizes that we are not worthless, not even a little bit.

Having said that, I now want to offer a tiny ray of hope in the query process as well.  After the first round of mindless "seminars" that you can pay to attend and receive pointers, there are still the tried and true basics of querying.  I'll be sharing the main points, and if I ever (fingers crossed) have a query accepted and then the manuscript accepted (a key caveat), I will share every painstaking detail for those who are interested.

Here are the bare bones (as far as I can tell).  My theory is that every little bit helps.

1. Start with a hook (the ideas for hooks are wide ranging, but a similar theme does seem to be something that strikes the reader's imagination and also give a tiny trace of the character to come - there were dozens of options, but other sites said "you must introduce the character here" - that seems to me to be code for do both)  

2. Introduce the dreaded synopsis (It is brutal, beyond words, to take a 50,000+ word piece of our souls and condense it to usually 250 words, but we have to at least try.  My best advice is to write everything you want to say, and would say if someone would but listen, then go back and rewrite the whole bloody thing, taking out superlative adjectives and any overabundance of plot points.  Stick to the basics, but make it interesting - I did read that it was important to show true plot, not just emotional baggage, and I liked that point - a lot) 

3. The less that is said, the better (this is particularly true in light of the word constraint, but also about yourself.  If you haven't been a well published or over-educated person in a minute field that over qualifies you - sorry, personal baggage decided to drop by - then don't point out that you have little to no experience - instead, give what audience the book might appeal to instead) 

4. Revise, revise, revise (Those 250 words - or 500, you might get lucky - will come a lot sooner than you think.  When in doubt, edit it until you are crying from the emotional toil.  Chances are that if you're like me, you'll have finally cut back on the superfluous words by that point) 

 5. And finally, edit (This might seem a bit obvious, but I am sure I'm not the only one out there who has sent an email and then realized - too late!- that the type font was different at the top or that a name was spelled wrong. Unfortunately, we can never get back what we've sent, so make absolutely certain it is as good as it can get - CAREFUL! though, don't overthink it, that will no doubt nix any chance of you ever sending it.  I personally would rather send something and have a small typo than never send it.  After all, if you never ask, the answer is always no)

And so we conclude my thoughts on the dreaded query.  I truly hope some day soon I'll be coming back to this page and editing it to give my personal experience in acceptance not rejection, but until then:

Queries, the horror, the horror

Well, let's just start this off by saying query letters will be the making or breaking of me. I'm fairly certain I am not alone in this belief. 

Having said that, and having also gone on record as saying that I publish for my own purposes, not to make money, I think I might need to clarify why, if self publishing is what I do, queries should even matter.

Anyone who has ever written a story and believes it to be worth publishing knows the agony that follows. First there is the challenge of sifting through the mountains of rather erroneous information on the web for anyone willing to accept un-published authors. Honestly, publishing industry, how is anyone supposed to start if you won't even let us submit without an agent, most of whom are unwilling to accept unpublished authors? Does this seem like a Catch-22/ Kobayashi Maru situation to anyone besides me? 

I digress. 

Why, then, the renewed interest in that horrid exercise of query letters? I blame NaNoWriMo. Yes, November is that wonderfully awful month where writers churn out tens of thousands of words and I was no exception. I managed to "wins", and wrapped up another just as the month began. But then comes the "Now What" phase.  It just so happens that this year, the "Now What" is Pitchapalooza, where we silly writers have to cram down our pride and joy into a measly 250 words and, really, hope for the best. 

About a decade ago, I worked long and hard to get my book, First Bite, out into the publishing world. I was rejected by several agents and most simply never responded.  I'm not sure which is worse, but it left a bitter taste in my psyche that made me never want to go that route again. I opted instead to publish my own works, because, really, that was all I really wanted. I've been relatively content with CreateSpace and I'm trying out Pronoun (eBooks only). I do promise to post updates as I get the hang of it all. 
And here we are, circling back to the point at hand. Ten years ago, there were dozens of sites about how to write the "perfect pitch". Now, there are dozens of sites about paying money to be told how to write the perfect pitch. No offense, but I highly doubt shelling out hundreds of dollars is going to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. Regardless, for those who, like me, have tried in vain to find a site that just helps us WRITE the pitch, might I suggest the following?http://thewritepractice.com/dreaded-query/ (This link is not done with any sort of benefit in mind, or endorsement, or whatever leagal paraphrasing should be here. This is just me, a struggling writer, directing fellow struggling writers to a site that actually gave some information about the query itself, not about how to pay to be told to write a query.)

And so concludes my foray into the world of writing queries. It's brutal work for an author. It truly terrifies me to have to condense my entire written work into such a tiny word constraint. I feel as if my characters and I will slowly suffocate, but there you have it. When Pitchapalooza goes live, I'll share my pitch here, and maybe some kind souls will vote for me, give feedback, or just say hello. I'm not picky.

Good luck to all struggling artists out there. Know that tonight especially, I feel your pain.

L.E. Gibler